Unprepared. Obsessive. Overwhelmed. Lost. Anxious.
Those are just a few words to describe how I felt when it came to my baby’s sleep. The pressure I had around sleep was our biggest struggle for months, and something I wasn’t expecting to be so hard. It’s gotten so much better, but I want to share some of the feelings and experiences I had so maybe it will help someone else feel like they aren’t alone or prepare a new or expecting mama.
I love social media and think it’s so fun. I spend lots of time tapping through Instagram Stories or swiping through Tik Toks, and there were actually so many things I gained from these platforms that helped with motherhood. However, it was my biggest enemy when it came to baby sleep. There was just simply Too. Much. Information. And it was ALL DIFFERENT. I had no idea what was right or wrong and what would or wouldn’t work for my baby, and it was constantly being thrown in my face every time I opened up my phone. It had me questioning my ability to be a mother, crying frequently, and getting frustrated with both myself and my baby. Not a healthy situation.
When it came to baby sleep, I had two big battles to overcome: nighttime sleep and naps. Naps were by far the bigger of the two battles and it absolutely consumed me. First let me talk about nighttime sleep.
Now, I’m not too naive to realize that newborns wake up throughout the night. They need to eat, be changed, etc. I pictured feeding my baby, changing her, swaddling her, and putting her in her bassinet to sleep for 2-3 hours before waking up because she was hungry. What I was not prepared for was my baby skipping the step of sleeping in her bassinet for 2-3 hours, and it wasn’t because she was wide awake and ready to play. She was most definitely tired and ready for sleep, so why wouldn’t she just do that?
Me. She wanted me. Something I saw all over social media – babies want their mothers. It’s all they know right now, and it makes sense. This baby grew in my belly for 40 weeks (and three days) so she just wanted to be with me – her comfort. The problem? I needed sleep too, and what did the hospital (along with the other side of social media) preach and preach and preach? The ABCs of sleep – Alone, on their Back, in a Crib.
So there I was every night at 1:00, 2:00, 3:00 in the morning trying to decide which side of social media wins – the “ABCs” or the “Bedsharing” community. If you were wondering, the winner changed nightly. Some nights I would spend precious hours awake fighting and fighting to get my baby to sleep in her bassinet. Others, I caved and let her sleep on me. I cried and cried and cried because I had a baby that wouldn’t do what the hospital said it should do. If you’ve been here as a first time mom, I feel you.
Callie is currently 6 months old, so what happened from those early weeks to where we are now? First, I took the “Taking Cara Babies” course. I’m here to say that there were pieces of that course that absolutely helped get my baby to where she is today – sleeping 11 hours in her crib every night. There were also things I still disagree with or don’t think were helpful to first-time, sleep deprived parents. I won’t go into the nitty gritty, but I will say that I recommend her course with a caveat. If your baby is like mine, don’t expect those steps to help the first night, week, or even month. I expected to watch these videos and have my baby sleeping soundly by herself within days. That didn’t happen and resulted in me feeling even more defeated. She got it eventually, but it took time.
I also researched how to safely bedshare. Yup. I did the best of both worlds. *This is not advice, I am just sharing my experiences.* I learned very quickly that when I would pull her out of her bassinet and onto my chest – it was SO unsafe. I was flat on my back with her chest to my chest… swaddled. But I didn’t know any better, so after reading, I stopped that and learned about the Cuddle Curl. Cue much better (and safer) sleep for both of us. Between her not wanting to sleep on her own, and me being so tired that I started dozing while feeding her while sitting upright, we needed to figure something out, and I am so glad we did. It felt so natural to have my baby next to me, and she slept so much better.
Long story long – I didn’t pick one side or the other, but it took several weeks once I gave into this to ease my anxiety. I always tried the bassinet or crib first and if it wasn’t going well, we would try again the next night and I would do what I needed to do for both of us to get sleep. Eventually she started sleeping longer stretches and was only in bed with us for an hour or two until she started sleeping through the night. Those newborn nights were so hard and felt like I would never get sleep and now I have a sweet little girl who loves going to bed at night (by herself in her crib) and sleeps so well. It might happen in a week or a few months but like everyone says – you will sleep again.
Naps. Before having a baby, I loved the word. It meant a nice little snooze during the day snuggled up on the couch under a blanket. After having a baby, my blood pressure would spike and my heart would start pounding as “nap time” approached. My expectations for naps were completely opposite of what happened. I expected to place my baby in her crib and have her sleep there for two hours.
Just like nighttime sleep, she didn’t want to be put down. She wanted to be held by me. Don’t get me wrong – I loved the newborn snuggles, but having a tiny human require you to hold them 24/7 can wear on you. It’s not that I didn’t love her or want to hold her, but I also needed a minute to take care of myself. I’m not sure if you gathered this from the way I handled nighttime sleep, but I couldn’t do the cry it out method. I know some families do, and that’s totally fine. I just couldn’t do it, personally. So that left me to hold her while she slept.
We kept practicing crib naps, and eventually she did start sleeping there! That was win number one. The next issue – her naps in the crib only lasted 30 minutes. Every. Single. Time. She was awake at 30 minutes on the dot, and I was at a loss for why. Turns out, there’s a lot of science behind baby sleep that I knew nothing about. 30-45 minutes is the length of a sleep cycle for most babies and while some babies can easily transition from one cycle to the next, others can’t and fully wake up around 30 minutes.
While I was so glad that she was sleeping in her crib, I was still frustrated at the length of her naps because of two reasons: 1. It wasn’t much time to get anything done besides quickly get ready, and maybe start a load of laundry. How was I supposed to get anything done if she only napped for 30 minutes? And 2. I also obsessed about the amount of sleep she got per day. I had an app that tracked things like diapers, feedings, and yes, sleep, and I tracked her sleep down to the minute. Apparently babies are supposed to get 4-5 hours of sleep during the day and four or five 30 minute naps did not add up to that. Seeing her “daytime total” below where it “should” be made me feel so defeated every day. When I tell you her sleep consumed my days, it truly did.
Again, long story long, she eventually started connecting her sleep cycles and started sleeping longer stretches during nap time. And me? I finally deleted that app and paid more attention to Callie’s energy and mood, and let me tell you… I became so much happier after that. I didn’t know how long she slept and as long as she wasn’t cranky or fussy (which she usually wasn’t) I was satisfied with the amount of sleep she got.
I still worry about her sleep to some extent, but it doesn’t control my life or mood like it did several months ago. I enjoyed (almost) every minute of becoming a mom and getting to know my baby. Even through the tears, I loved her fiercely through every high and low, and I would do it again and again. But I look forward to the confidence and security I will feel once I become a mom for the second time. Callie will always be the sweet baby that gave me the practice, understanding, and grace to become the best mother I can be.
